i saw Venus in me . . .

A few months before my wedding I realized that my weight wasn’t going away and I had only one choice; I needed to accept my body just as it is and find a fabulous dress. Luckily finding the dress was easy. Learning to love my body continues to come along in stages.

My Feminine Power practices taught me how to check in with that uncomfortable feeling, ask how old it is and then ask what she is feeling and what she needs. Well as I went through this process, I learned that she was about 6 years old, felt un-lovable, awkward, ugly, not pretty enough, wrong and different.  She told me she needed to just be loved unconditionally and to be told she was loved no matter how she looked. I kept working with this process whenever any uncomfortable feelings arose. It’s the instant soother.

When the wedding day arrived, I felt radiant and so much love for Larry and everyone present. As my lovely maidens cinched up my dress, I asked them to make sure it wasn’t too tight as all the flesh had to go somewhere and although more flesh in the front gives me more boobage, extra flesh in the back just looks like back fat seeping over my beautiful dress. They made no promises but assured me I would look radiant. I took another gulp of wine and clung to the bed post as they tightened even more, taking the breath out of me.

As I told you in previous posts, it was the most exquisite celebration and I felt absolutely lovely all through the evening. But then . . . the photos from friends starting rolling in and I quickly discovered just how much back fat was oozing over my dress.

I was literally stricken in the gut but a familiar self-loathing feeling. I have since named that part of me, Sergeant Zero-Tolerance; and she is pretty serious about what is okay and what is not okay for me. I actually think she means well; she’s trying to keep us safe and within proper regulations. The problem is her methods are destructive and debilitating to the whole-ness of me. My heart races, my blood runs thickly, I start to panic, walls come up within me, I get angry and I try to figure out who is in on this conspiracy to destroy me. I guess that would be paranoia. It took days to come down away from the edge and realize nothing had changed, I was still that lovely, gorgeous bride, Larry loves me, and my family and friends adore me unconditionally, just as I am.

The last stage was when I got the professional shots from our incredible photographers Joy and Donny Prouty of Wildflowers Photography. I truly embraced the beauty of the day, the joy and love that was expressed.

The the mourning doves showed up on my back patio. I know that when an animal shows itself often or suddenly that there is usually a lesson to be learned or a message being presented. So Dove Medicine indicates a peaceful, calm, gentle and giving person. They are monogamous and most importantly they are the sacred animal of Venus, the goddess of love and pleasure.

Laura, our celebrant at our wedding had read my Jyotish (Indian Astrology) and among a ton of things, she told me I had a lot of Venus in my chart. I didn’t really know what to make of that, other than Laura told me to do some daily Sun Salutations in her honor.

But then as I learned more about Venus being the Goddess of Love and Pleasure and I looked at paintings and statues of her created throughout the ages by artists. She was voluptuous, beautiful, oozing with love and sexuality, inviting people to enjoy life, connection and beauty. As I looked again through the wedding photos, I saw Venus in me. It wasn’t just in my physical form but in the gathering that I created which was full of pleasure, good food, plenty of drinks, and the joy of connecting.  When I shared this with Laura this is what she wrote;

“Yes, I so see Venus in your wedding photos. Definitely. In her material self she is comfort and color and sexuality: all velvet and lace, like your wedding. In her higher self, she is attractive, luring us to the divine reality that all is beauty, love, harmony and oneness.”
So this is where I am on my journey to falling madly in love with myself – just as I am!
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Big Luscious Matrimony

It’s been so long since I’ve visited with you all here on these pages. So much has happened and I’ve travelled great distances; from Spain to France to California. But more significantly is the distance I’ve travelled in my own personal evolution.

Over the past few months I dug my toes deeply into the warm, earthy dirt that my relationship with Larry grew from. In a beautiful ceremony in Dripping Springs, Texas we deepened our roots by marrying each other amongst the ancient oaks and our loved ones.

It was a kooky, sweet, touching, tearful, sacred, perfectly imperfect ceremony led by our sweet Goddess, soul-sister, Laura Plumb. My maidens danced down the aisle to “You Can Count on Me by Bruno Mars. I walked down with my dear friend, Brian Wright to “Ong Namo” by Snatum Kaur. 

Oh my Beloved
Kindness of the Heart
Breath of Life
I bow to You

And I’m coming home
And I’m coming home
And I’m coming home
And I’m coming home

These are the words I walked down to, it felt as if I were coming home to my soul mates, heart. It was very touching for both of us. Before I could step out the door, Finnegan took my bouquet in exchange for this ring bearer pillow, which was indicative of the entire ceremony.

After we kissed sealing our vows forever, we danced back down the aisle with everyone in tow to Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeroes’, “Home.”  Are you seeing a theme here?

Despite all the crazy disruptions of dogs, toddlers and sobbing tears it was the most moving, original, reflective ceremony I had ever witnessed and being a former wedding photographer, I’ve been to my fair share of weddings  (I wonder if all brides feel this way :o).

I wanted to share our first 8mm wedding highlight clip with you all.

 

For another peak into the bodacious weekend celebration click on this flickr page right HERE!

Big Luscious Love to you all,

The newly coupled, wedded, amalgamated, hitched, espoused, blissfully rooted in love, Katariina!

Well This is it!!!! (but I forgot to post)

I can’t believe it is finally here! The Big Luscious Wedding Ceremony Weekend in Austin. Well technically it is in Dripping Springs.

Am I ready? You may ask. Well most people have said that I’m very calm for a bride to be, now this could be that I’m a bit older & this isn’t my first rodeo (if you know what I mean), but I tell them that it is because because I’m heavily medicated then I just laugh, because that is not true. I think it must be my nature.

ugh!!! overwhelm

I don’t have much time to write because I still have to make programs. I’m such a procrastinator.

I’ve wanted every moment of the planning of the wedding to be the wedding as well. With intention and being in the moment and loving the moments knowing that I was infusing my intention in everything I made and deepening our roots as a family.

My best friend, Ginger, planned & hosted a beautiful Bridal Party Bonding weekend for us all in Temecula. She was so creative & colorful & my sister, Kristeen helped decorate everything perfectly.

bridal party bonding weekend

It was a deep, sweet weekend with all my girls, all of whom I’m so excited to have in my wedding.

I made this out of old sweaters!!

Okay there is so much I want to share but I must finish this program in the next hour. I will share the festivities with you on the other side!!!

Farmstand Flowers & a Mermaid Dress!

There is so much going on here getting ready for the wedding that I barely have time to share. But I feel I must!! It’s really just to much fun not too.

Two weeks ago we took a trip up to Austin to visit the wedding venue, swim at Barton Springs, find Alaska (one of my brides maids) a dress and take care of any loose ends.

Well we found the most beautiful dress for Alaska, she says she feels like a mermaid in this dress. AND we found the coolest flower farm stand in Blanco. This is where we will buy the flowers and then take them back to the barn to assemble into very organic and fun bouquets and arrangements. A big part of our wedding celebration is creating and strengthening our community, so putting the flowers together is part of that bonding.

We are so excited that at the wedding there will be a mixture of locally grown fresh cut flowers & wild flowers arranged and in our bouquets. I’m excited to see how it all turns out. If you are coming to the wedding, come by on Saturday to help everyone put them all together. It’s part of the party. Then after we can all go jump in Hamilton Pool! I hope!!

More to come with only one week to go!!

Katariina