A few months before my wedding I realized that my weight wasn’t going away and I had only one choice; I needed to accept my body just as it is and find a fabulous dress. Luckily finding the dress was easy. Learning to love my body continues to come along in stages.
My Feminine Power practices taught me how to check in with that uncomfortable feeling, ask how old it is and then ask what she is feeling and what she needs. Well as I went through this process, I learned that she was about 6 years old, felt un-lovable, awkward, ugly, not pretty enough, wrong and different. She told me she needed to just be loved unconditionally and to be told she was loved no matter how she looked. I kept working with this process whenever any uncomfortable feelings arose. It’s the instant soother.
When the wedding day arrived, I felt radiant and so much love for Larry and everyone present. As my lovely maidens cinched up my dress, I asked them to make sure it wasn’t too tight as all the flesh had to go somewhere and although more flesh in the front gives me more boobage, extra flesh in the back just looks like back fat seeping over my beautiful dress. They made no promises but assured me I would look radiant. I took another gulp of wine and clung to the bed post as they tightened even more, taking the breath out of me.
As I told you in previous posts, it was the most exquisite celebration and I felt absolutely lovely all through the evening. But then . . . the photos from friends starting rolling in and I quickly discovered just how much back fat was oozing over my dress.
I was literally stricken in the gut but a familiar self-loathing feeling. I have since named that part of me, Sergeant Zero-Tolerance; and she is pretty serious about what is okay and what is not okay for me. I actually think she means well; she’s trying to keep us safe and within proper regulations. The problem is her methods are destructive and debilitating to the whole-ness of me. My heart races, my blood runs thickly, I start to panic, walls come up within me, I get angry and I try to figure out who is in on this conspiracy to destroy me. I guess that would be paranoia. It took days to come down away from the edge and realize nothing had changed, I was still that lovely, gorgeous bride, Larry loves me, and my family and friends adore me unconditionally, just as I am.
The last stage was when I got the professional shots from our incredible photographers Joy and Donny Prouty of Wildflowers Photography. I truly embraced the beauty of the day, the joy and love that was expressed.
The the mourning doves showed up on my back patio. I know that when an animal shows itself often or suddenly that there is usually a lesson to be learned or a message being presented. So Dove Medicine indicates a peaceful, calm, gentle and giving person. They are monogamous and most importantly they are the sacred animal of Venus, the goddess of love and pleasure.
Laura, our celebrant at our wedding had read my Jyotish (Indian Astrology) and among a ton of things, she told me I had a lot of Venus in my chart. I didn’t really know what to make of that, other than Laura told me to do some daily Sun Salutations in her honor.
But then as I learned more about Venus being the Goddess of Love and Pleasure and I looked at paintings and statues of her created throughout the ages by artists. She was voluptuous, beautiful, oozing with love and sexuality, inviting people to enjoy life, connection and beauty. As I looked again through the wedding photos, I saw Venus in me. It wasn’t just in my physical form but in the gathering that I created which was full of pleasure, good food, plenty of drinks, and the joy of connecting. When I shared this with Laura this is what she wrote;
“Yes, I so see Venus in your wedding photos. Definitely. In her material self she is comfort and color and sexuality: all velvet and lace, like your wedding. In her higher self, she is attractive, luring us to the divine reality that all is beauty, love, harmony and oneness.”
So this is where I am on my journey to falling madly in love with myself – just as I am!