Let it Be Easy

rabbit-and-moon

Rabbit symbolizes prosperity & is associated with the moon

Let it be easy! – is my daily inner mantra.

With this mantra & my new found love for my crooked, perfectly-imperfect self, I’ve found my creations are moving their way out of my studio & into the world!

With the serendipitous assistance from playful, creative friends, several of my paintings & prints are now hanging on the walls of a gorgeous boutique in Bend, OR. The Feather’s Edge Finery. And it was so easy. I just asked & BAM they are there on the walls looking beautiful & ready to be purchased by people who adore them.

With ease & love the energy has shifted – so much is happening – the sales, the shows & the commissioned paintings! I’ll share more in another post.

Let it be easy! – is my daily inner mantra. Besides I truly believe we’re making this up so make it easy.

These paintings & prints of them are all on sale at Feather’s Edge Finery in downtown Bend.

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Feather’s Edge Finery

If you live outside of Bend and want a print they are available here: https://society6.com/katariinaagnesfagering   and I’ll keep adding new images so keep checking back.

Wise Ass Owls

These latest paintings of mine are showing up with a new energy about them. Ease and playfulness. I’m loving staying in my pleasure of creating and not worrying so much about creating something profound; which can feel so arduous at times.

There is deep wisdom in pleasure and playfulness – we were built for it!

Owl lives within the darkness, which includes magic, mystery, and ancient knowledge. The moon is related to the owl which becomes a symbol of the feminine and fertility. Mythology often refers to their wisdom and femininity.

These paintings will be available as prints soon so if you’re interested send me a note and I’ll keep you on my list.

Finally 50!

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Fabulous Trucker Hat by Jennette Nielson at Smashing Rubbish

I’ve longed for 50 most of my adult life. I’ve always known myself to be a late bloomer and 50 always seemed like the time I would blossom creatively and finally fully occupy my body. This is the age I imagined I would finally settle into my skin, my face  and truly see what this body is capable of. At 50, I knew I would no longer linger on false values of wanting to please others while betraying myself. Once I crossed that threshold, I would finally know that my true gift comes out of listening for my full-bodied-yes and easily saying no to anything that isn’t screaming yes!  This is what I’ve known most of my life and now here I am 50 years old today. This is exciting!

My absence on this blog during my journey with breast cancer stemmed from a desire to be present with the process and not turning the journey and all the surgeries into a performance piece. I was honoring the sacredness of that journey and now as I turn 50 and I’m looking at the next half (give or take a few) of my life I want to be more outwardly focused. It feels like the season to be expressing my creativity here once again.

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For this extraordinary birthday I am giving myself permission to just be me, follow my pleasure AND the disciplined structure to write daily. Instead of going about my day willy nilly, I’m shaking things up by giving myself the space to write for two hours each day. I set it in my schedule and sit my butt in my chair and start writing. My hope is that the two hours will grow to more but two feels like a significant time to begin with.

I started four days ago and so far it’s been really fun and exciting to see what comes up. My focus is just to get it all out, that may take awhile and then I’ll start putting it together into books or projects of all sorts. Of course there is no telling what will emerge – it’s a mystery!

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Trucker Hat by the Fabulous Jennette Nielson of Smashing Rubbish

Stick around to hear more about this new journey with writing and being 50!

Big Luscious Love,
Katariina

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Life is Beautiful

Bella LIB

Let me jump right in after a long hiatus and share with you my newest passion – film making. I’m just a beginner but I am having so much fun with it. I know I’m onto something because, like painting, I can loose time editing a film that I shot. It’s so fun and so rewarding.

Here is my latest film that I created for a fundraiser event for my son’s school, The Waldorf School of Bend.

I have three other films on Vimeo that you can check out if you like. All of them are short, sweet and to the point. Click here to see the other films!

Sebastian LIB

This film making dream of mine, gurgled under my skin for a few years before I was able to actually make my first film, Heart Bomb. Although I owned all the equipment and editing software and even took an editing class, I still felt stuck and overwhelmed not knowing where to begin. This went on for a few years and then everything turned around when I found a mentor in town. She is an experienced documentary film maker who was able to take my hand, give me some advice, some technical pointers and most of all, encouragement. Everything opened up for me and my dream after our first session.

aaron LIB

It’s amazing what one can accomplish with the right tools and support – especially the right kind of support.

Big Luscious Love,

Katariina

ps. I hope to hear from you!

All of Me

death and rebirth by Katariina Fagering

Newest painting finished this morning

This journey with cancer has called forth every emotion and question I could muster. I have spent many days walking the river’s edge asking what wants to be heard and what needs to be seen? My approach has been to open, rather than collapse around my diagnosis and the fear that wells up around such an event.

What came up for me is the need to embrace all of me, the light and dark. The depths of sorrow and despair alongside the joy and gratitude. I’m done with compartmentalize-ing all the pieces and parts of me that make up the wholeness of ME! Just like Inanna and Persephone who were able to bridge both the world of the sun and the underworld with grace and eloquence, I don’t want to leave any part of myself behind.

Being congruent and integration have been my mantras during this season of reconciliating this idea of cancer within me. I had to first, soften and open to the idea of the cancer within  and then soften and open some more to the idea that a bilateral mastectomy is the right choice for me.

I am feeling buoyed and supported by all those around me and also my higher self who can see that I’m a rock star for even showing up in this world. I will still mourn the loss of my breasts and will feel the sorrow that goes along with it but I know very well that, “this too will pass.”

death and rebirth by Katariina Fagering

I wrote this poem while walking along the river’s edge. I came to a tree that had shattered and fell head first into the river.

Shattered to be Reborn

Was I always

broken and submerged

in the stillness

of a fast-moving

river?

Did I fall head first

shattered, splintered, broken

overwhelmed by the deluge

of water filling

my lungs?

Or did I drown in the

pure healing waters

of the raging river?

And was I washed clean of my sins

baptized by the great Mother?

Did my dark, wet hair tangle

flowing down stream

under the calm surface

where the water rages

in the deep shadow?

Did my rotting flesh and white bones

feed and nourish

the river banshees

who greedily devoured

the silvery skin of my old beliefs?

I must have

shattered to fall a part.

I drowned to be cleaned.

I decayed to let go of the old.

I’m writing this to be reborn.

A Doorway to Deeper Understanding

deschutes river bank by Katariina Fagering

Since being diagnosed with breast cancer, I’ve heard several women share that they viewed breast cancer as an inconvenience and chose to not give it any power. It’s like someone backing into a car door and having to take the car in for extensive work. It’s a pain; it costs money, time and energy but its just life so it has to be taken care of. I’m sure there are more layers to their journey and this is merely one nugget they wanted to share in an effort to ease my mind but I must say it did not resonate with me.

I’m choosing to view my cancer as a doorway, an opening to deeper understand and healing. My friend Laura quoted Rumi the other day, “the door is wide open, don’t go back to sleep.” That resonates.

I will take care of the cancer by removing my breasts but then I still have to do the work. I find when I don’t do the work my basket gets full and the ideas become toxic and start sloshing around between my ears. Then I become crabby and angry, so I have to drive myself up to sit by the river so I can fill up a journal of thoughts and creativity. Then all feels right within me again.

feet in river deschutes river bank by Katariina Fagering

This is what I wrote today at the river.

I know this cancer came to me for a reason so I can’t ignore it by going to surgery and coming home and continuing on in the same manner I have been living. I believe this cancer developed from the deluge of toxic thinking that I’ve been swirling in for the past several years that wasn’t allowed to flow. I held it in and its energy has to go somewhere. Lucky for me it tucked itself into a few tiny ducts in my breast so that I could easily remove the toxic hairball of energy and go on living my life.

This is what is calling my attention right now and anything that catches my attention becomes a doorway to my deeper self. It’s really no different than a pinecone floating down the river or the dart of cerulean blue outside my window as a Stellar Jay flies by. Those are all doorways as well. Perhaps because of the gravity of cancer though this feels like a much deeper, broader doorway.

It feels as if it carries more weight than a fast floating pinecone buoyed by the flow of the river. But wait, another pinecone floats by. Perhaps there is something here trying to capture my attention.

pinecone deschutes river bank by Katariina Fagering

Pinecones are seedpods, capsules of new life, yet these have already spread their seeds and moved into crone-hood. They have fallen from the branches onto the soil and somehow found their way into the river. Their outstretched wings have already released the seedlings into the air with the hope that their floating offspring would find their way to soft embracing soil and grow to be as large as the tree in which their mother grew and fell from.

Oh the places that crone of a cone will travel. The things she will see as she makes her way over mossy rocks and by tall riverbank grasses. She is finally free and her next adventure is just beginning.

Hmm I’ve fed my babies with these breasts. Is it now time to shed them for a newer sportier version that will allow me to jump into the river of life and begin a new adventure. Perhaps its necessary to shed these toxic hairball filled breasts in order for me to step into the fullest expression of myself.

Oh the wisdom of a pinecone.

river log in deschutes river bank by Katariina Fagering

Mourning Dove

mourning dove painting by Katariina Fagering

“be wise as a snake and gentle as a dove” Matt 10:16

Mourning Dove

After all this time 
She still finds me
No matter where I wander
or land
She wakes me with 
 
Her melancholic coo
Singing to her lover
Calling him home, 
“This is your home” she sings
“Beside me.”
 
After all is sung
She builds a nest 
in the cavity of my breast
Calling me home
My home – within me.

Sometimes when I’m in the midst of an intense experience, I can’t really write about it just yet. I usually need to give it some room and space.

I wrote this poem back in April while sitting out in my front yard listening to the mourning doves coo. I have a few more poems and paintings I will be sharing over these next few days leading up to my bilateral mastectomy, June 12th.

I feel so held and safe on this journey. I’ve come to the understanding that this cancer is just another experience I’m having – not much different from Officer Candidate School (twice), childbirth (twice), going to war (twice) – all of these involved pain and suffering but amazing gifts as well.

Since my diagnosis I’ve received an outpouring of love and support. More importantly, I’ve gained a deeper sense of belonging in this life that I struggled with before. My PTSD and my depression got in the way of me seeing all the joy and gifts surrounding me. My belonging in this life and in this world alluded me for so many years. Today, it’s as if the veil has lifted and I see my place, my value and my love (all of my loves).

I will write more about this tomorrow.

Much Love,

Katariina