this morning’s walk . . .

Feeling a bit thin & fragile, like a tiny piece of transparent Belleek china, I decided to take a walk on the Boulevard amongst the trees listening to Kirtan (Ong Namo by Snatam Kaur). Something about that music seeps into my bones & transports me to another dimension where I am floating whole & no longer thin.

We had such an amazing Thanksgiving weekend with our family, filled with love, lots of laughter & creativity, with beautiful people streaming in & out of the house every hour of the day. As much as I love this energy, it started to become overwhelming on the fourth day (hence the four-day family visit rule). Too much chatter just to chatter, to many coordinating logistics, planning, herding cats, Finnegan pulling at my dress calling, “mommy, momma, mommy, momma” all day long left me stretched thin.

Then on Saturday a beautiful article was published about my journey with the VA in the Houston Chronicle (click here!). It was a wonderful, soul-filled article that I hope other women veterans will read & seek the help they need. But . . . nevertheless it left me feeling a bit exposed & vulnerable (not necessarily bad things).

On Sunday, my mom, Raine & I went to try on wedding dresses. Raine, being my Honorable Maiden wanted me to at least just get an idea of what I would like or not like. She felt it was time to start trying on dresses & I conceded. It was relatively easy because I was with loved ones & it was great to learn a lot about what sort of dress looks best on me & will work best for the sort of wedding we are having.

Our appointment was at BHLDN, Anthropology’s wedding store, that offers gorgeous unique dresses that I drool over at my frequent visits. However trying them on was a very different experience. Imagine bathing suit shopping, only this time there is an audience, a box to stand on, too many mirrors, your own stylist AND the bathing suits are a size too small so most don’t fit or zip up, but still you are expected to come out, stand on the box in front of all the mirrors & the audience & model them. That was my Sunday afternoon. All my emotions, rejections, & doubts I have about my body & its current size came up just under the surface of my skin pushing and stretching it thin.

All of these things left me feeling fragile, tired, & mostly just done. I cried myself to sleep while Larry held me that night & in the morning I decided to be alone & walk. Something about those magical  trees lining the Boulevard, the soul-full music turned up to its highest setting & the movement of my body washed most the thinness away. The skylines against the vast blue sky begged me to photograph them so I could share with you.

 I’m in the process of growing myself still. Perhaps with intention & follow through next time the thin-ness starts creeping in I can remember the trees on the boulevard & go visit them.

a grocery cart or two

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3 thoughts on “this morning’s walk . . .

  1. You are my hero. Your vulnerability and your willingness to share it and connect with the rest of us – who also feel thin more often than is sometimes desired – make you the strongest and wisest owl I know. Hello Butterfly!

  2. I followed the link given by the Chronicle to your blog and I love it. Your writing is humbling, for lack of a better word, in that it reminds me that for each person in this world we share there is a unique perspective of it. In my vast wisdom (not) and pre-conceived notions about our world I never imagined someone faced with your struggles. Thanks for that.

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